


To Never Walk Alone

by firewolfsg



Series: That Which Does Not Kill… [2]
Category: Saiunkoku Monogatari
Genre: Child Abuse, M/M, Rape Recovery
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2010-03-28
Updated: 2010-03-28
Packaged: 2017-10-08 09:20:54
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Rape/Non-Con
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,344
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/75159
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/firewolfsg/pseuds/firewolfsg
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Challenge response (December 2008 - Hope, +1,500 words, won 3rd place): As Seiran feared, Li Kouyuu had finally had enough of Ran Shuuei's depression and stagnation. However, the confrontation didn't proceed as the secret prince imagined.</p><p>An enlarged scene within the story 'That Which Does Not Kill…'</p>
            </blockquote>





	To Never Walk Alone

Seiran woke in a tangle of bed sheets and with fear coursing through his veins, the scream barely caught in time and stifled. Still, he failed to not awaken his bed mate. Ensei's warm callused hands stroked his shoulders and arms soothingly as he gently encouraged him to lean against the taller man's body. Seiran had the energy to only put up a token resistance before he allowed himself to snuggle back into his friend's protective embrace.

Not for the first time in these last few months, Seiran gave silent thanks to Shouka sama's observant nature and foresight in casually inviting Ensei to stay a while at his estates. His oldest friend had understood immediately and over Seiran's half-hearted protests moved into his room and bed.

Seiran hated the situation he found himself in. He hadn't had nightmares and flashbacks, of the suffering he had endured during his Satsujinzoku months, this bad since he joined Shouka sama's household. However, he could recognize the trigger in Ran Shuuei's circumstances. What those bastards had done to the once proud man… Death was far too good for them.

Months after Ryuuki and he had rescued their friend from his captors, Seiran regretted leading the slaughter and stealing from the broken man any opportunity of revenge. However, Shouka sama had quietly argued the point of it being better that friends and family enacted vengeance on the participants and the responsible parties on Shuuei's behalf; that it would have been harmful to the former shogun's mental health if they had kept the men alive and allowed Shuuei to revenge himself upon them personally.

Shouka sama had been especially disapproving of the Ran triplets for the length of time they had personally made ex-official Sai linger before he finally expired from the torture meted out to him. However, the Librarian also pointedly did not interfere and was of the clear opinion that Sai's torture could not be compared to the agony of Shuuei's experience.

Days after the miscreant's death, the Triplets were said to have finally understood that Shouka sama's concern was for them and not for Sai. For the satisfaction they gained with their personal attention to the ex-official's torment ultimately amounted to naught. And in their zeal to seek revenge, none had given a thought to their little brother who had by then physically healed but mentally and emotionally retreated into a pit of guilt and despair for his seeming abandonment by his elder brothers. Shuuei accepted their visits later, of course, but the damage they had unwittingly inflicted upon his already injured soul could not be taken back.

As much as he hated to admit it, Seiran knew too that Shouka sama was right about the value of revenge. He had only to look upon his own experience to see this truth. He and Ensei had destroyed the Satsujinzoku once, and over a decade later he had personally killed Meishou, the brute who had been his main tormenter during that nightmare existence. The satisfaction Seiran had felt for those accomplishments lasted only as long as it took to wipe the blood from his blade. The pain he carried in his heart and mind for the abuse inflicted upon him all those years ago, however, still stayed with him.

The deaths of all those who had hurt him… in the long run, it did not undo the past. Ultimately, it counted for nothing. And this could not be more clearly illustrated with Seiran's recent months of terror filled nightmares and poor sleep because of the reminder that Ran Shuuei represented.

In Shuuei, Seiran could see a clear reflection of how he had once been. His numbness with regards to his continued existence... His obsession to wash, alternating with the neglect of oneself… His overwhelming feelings of guilt and depression… His at times extreme mood swings from relatively 'normal' cheerfulness to sudden depression or anger…

Seiran could see how stressful it was on all their friends, especially the sensitive Shuurei, Ryuuki and even Jyuusan Hime. They did not know how to react with Shuuei when he was in a depression or in a screaming rage for them to leave him alone and give him space.

Fortunately, just as Seiran had Rou Ensei, Ran Shuuei had Li Kouyuu. And the normally short tempered scholar had greatly surprised them all for the tremendous amount of patience he showed to Shuuei.

Where all others fled from Shuuei when he'd start yelling at them, Kouyuu would calmly let his best friend scream in his face. And when Shuuei paused to breathe, the aqua haired scholar would ask him a completely frivolous or irrelevant question to break his line of thought and distract him from what he was earlier ranting over. It staggered Seiran to see how well this tactic worked with Shuuei to shatter his moments of incontrollable rage.

Still, after nearly half a year had passed since Shuuei's abduction and rescue, Seiran didn't believe that Kouyuu could sustain his patience with Shuuei. Ensei had shared experience with him, which was the reason Seiran could accept comfort and support from him. A similar bond did not exist between Ran Shuuei and Li Kouyuu, and Seiran feared the approaching day when the aqua haired scholar would finally give up on their friend. He should have had more faith in Kouyuu.

They truly hadn't wanted to invade the two men's privacy, but Seiran had been anxious the day Kouyuu finally lost his temper with their depressed friend and dragged him out of bed to the baths. The aqua haired scholar had shown surprising strength in pulling Shuuei from the rooms Ryuuki had set aside for his convalescence on Harem grounds; though admittedly with the way Shuuei had been recently neglecting his own health he really didn't have the strength to fight Kouyuu.

Once there, however, Kouyuu had released Shuuei to face him. "You don't believe I can understand your agony, Ran Shuuei. But I would have you see for your own eyes and recognize the fallacy of these thoughts." And with those words, Kouyuu had pulled off his robes and under clothes to bear his body to his best friend.

From where they were uncomfortably hidden, Seiran and Ensei couldn't see nor understand what Kouyuu was trying to accomplish. However, Shuuei clearly did. The ex-shogun had stumbled towards their friend like a man half drunk, his hands held before him and reaching to gently touch and trace something neither Seiran nor Ensei could make out but Shuuei could with his proximity. It was a strangely intimate yet clinical exploration of sword callused fingers over almost milk pale skin.

"Who did this to you?!" The heated rage in the ex-shogun's voice could not be clearer to the eavesdropping pair if they stood behind him rather than in a hidden alcove across the room. "When did this—?!"

"I was a slave before Reishin sama rescued me, Shuuei." Kouyuu's reply was soft as he took Shuuei's hands in his to guide them over his waist, hips and then chest. "I was a child, but that did not matter to many of my masters who desired, bought and sold me when they tired of the entertainment they could have from me."

Shuuei's expression was stricken with horror as he stared into Kouyuu's eyes. Even from a distance, Seiran and Ensei could see Kouyuu gather himself before he spoke his next words. "Do you believe I was a willing participant? Do you see me as sullied now?

"Now that you know this, do you—think that I've been tainted?"

"No! NO! Never! I would never think—"

"Then why would you believe it of yourself, Shuuei?" Kouyuu cut him off to ask. "If I have not been despoiled by my abusers, why is it so different with you?"

"You were a child—you were helpless—"

"And you were a prisoner—injured and held just as helpless—"

"Kouyuu—"

"Reishin sama tried his best to encourage these scars to fade with his gifts and treatments of creams and oils." Kouyuu smiled encouragingly at Shuuei as his hands reached up to touch his chest and neck. "But I wear these marks without shame now; because I survived that horrible childhood, Shuuei. And I still thrived.

"You know that until Eigetsu came to the imperial city to topple my record, I was for a time the youngest candidate to graduate as Jorgen. And though that position has since gone to another, I will still be known in the history of Saiunkoku as having been the youngest official to serve as an Under Secretary in the Emperor's Administration."

"Your old chair may be taken by another, but there is little doubt among the officials that you will go far again."

"Just as you will be Shogun again." Kouyuu told him firmly, and then carried on before Shuuei could voice his doubts. "Shuuei… What was done to me did not ruin my life. Only you can decide if you want to let what happened to you ruin yours. But if you let that come to pass, you've allowed that bastard to win."

The ex-shogun growled at that suggestion. "Sai—he did this to hurt Ryuuki—to destroy his Twin Flowers—to destroy us…"

"So, would you really let him win beyond the grave?"

"Never…" Shuuei looked at his best friend. "Kouyuu—"

"Do not mistake me in believing it will be an easy path once you've made your decision to move beyond this setback, Shuuei." Kouyuu warned him gently. "It is not. Recall if you will how I was when we first met; how I still am in disliking proximity and the casual touch of even friends.

"But I have never been alone. Reishin sama and Yuri Hime supported me through every step of my healing. And in those moments when my spirit faltered, they were there to give me love and encouragement to carry on. Politics aside, I know in my heart that they'd never abandoned me in spirit.

"Then—you were there as well. And it was you who helped me learn to trust and accept the hand of friendship.

"You once made a pledge to me, that you would always find me if I should lose my way." Kouyuu told him softly as he brought their hands together between them. "Now, it is my turn. And my pledge to you, Shuuei, is to always be by your side.

"You are not alone, and I will never let you walk alone, Ran Shuuei. That is my promise to you."

"Kouyuu…" Shuuei leaned his forehead against his best friend's head and finally allowed healing tears to fall.

Ensei's finger gently brushed at the tears on Seiran's face then making him turn away from the two men. "Let's give them some privacy."

Seiran self consciously rubbed his eyes to hide his tears and looked up to see that the two men were now sitting on the tiled floor. Shuuei's shoulders shook with his sobs as he leaned his head on Kouyuu's shoulder while he hugged the man tight. And the aqua haired scholar had as firm a grip around his best friend.

"I think Shuuei will be okay now."

"Y—yes, I—I think so too." Seiran couldn't work up the energy to protest Ensei's companionable arm over his shoulders.

"I feel the same way too, you know?" Seiran heard Ensei say him softly as they made their way out of the Imperial Harem grounds to tell the rest of their friends the news of Shuuei's breakthrough.

"What was that?"

"About not walking alone?" Ensei squeezed his shoulder firmly. "I let you run away from me once. But I'd like it if you let me walk with you."

Seiran looked up at his taller friend in shock. "I—Ensei…"

Ensei gave him a gentle smile. "You don't need to say anything now. Just think about it, eh?"

Seiran ducked his head with a blush as he gave the idea some thought. To be fair, Seiran did recognise that he already accepted Ensei at some level. For the past few months, Ensei was in Seiran's bed and offering him comfort and protection with his proximity. And they did have the occasional romp between the sheets. Was it so difficult to take the next step?

Then, Seiran suddenly thought of Kouyuu and the words he had said to Shuuei. 'What was done to me did not ruin my life. Only you can decide if you want to let what happened to you ruin yours. But if you let that come to pass, you've allowed that bastard to win.'

Seiran looked up at Ensei then, and decided he wasn't going to let Meishou win from his grave either. And that he was ready to let Ensei take a closer step into his heart as well.

"Just don't step on my heels."

As Seiran hoped, his oldest friend recovered quickly from his moment of stunned silence. "You expect me to walk behind you? Oi, Seiran? That's a bit much don't you think." The taller man groused as he slipped the arm that was on Seiran's shoulders to rest around his waist. "What next? You want me to stay three steps behind and wear a pretty lil' frock next?"

"Well, no. But a collar and chain sounds nice."

"What? As kinky as that sounds, I'm no wild animal!"

"Oh, no?" Seiran reached up to tug on Ensei's whiskers teasingly. "Do you recall those 'wanted' posters on us during our journey to Sa Province to meet Ojousama?"

"Hrumph!" Ensei growled at the memory of the posters of a hairy beast-like caricature which was supposed to represent him. "Shows you how some folks just don't appreciate the dignity of a fine beard."

"I'm not fond of it either."

Ensei gave him a pained look of betrayal, and then started grumbling under his breath about wasting time to shave twice daily. Seiran smiled. He didn't doubt his oldest friend would lose the beard before they got to bed that night.

~owari~

Thanks for reading. Cheers, firewolf


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